I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
