My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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