i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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