I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
