James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
