He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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