Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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