I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
