yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
