Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
