Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
