I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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