My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
