tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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