Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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