your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
