I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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