nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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