i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
