Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
