Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
