screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
