What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
