Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
