I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
