I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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