that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
