i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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