you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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