its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
