i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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