Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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