I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize