I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize