Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
