Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
What a dumb baby whore.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
