oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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