I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I currently don't understand fingers.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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