I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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