im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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