um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
