I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
