I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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