can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
