I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
