he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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