I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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