I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
