I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
