Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
