Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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