Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
