Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
