Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We're too hungover to prance.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
