You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
