2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
