my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
FUCK WHALES
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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