it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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